Help needed dealing with teenage daughter

I have a 14 year old daughter, and I'm at my wits end. I figured I would ask the softer side of ARFCOM for some advice.

She is a bright girl and pretty well behaved. She is a girly girl and concerned with typical teenage girl stuff. She spent the last few years going to a private school, did very well and even skipped a grade. She is very bright. The school turned into a nightmare with the hire of an extremely racist principal, so this last year we have put her into public school. She already had some friends there. She was put into the honors classes and had a very rocky start at the beginning of the year. A's to F's, not turning in work that she did etc. Homeschool is simply not an option.

We got through that and in most classes she is doing fine. Her math class is another story. First off the teacher is a real bitch, one of those wrinkled hags that shouldn't teach and they can't fire. She hates the teacher and the teacher doesn't like her much either.

Fast forward to now. She doesn't take any initiative for class at all. It doesn't matter if she is grounded from everything, has no social life, she just won't do the work. The rate she is going she will fail math and therefor fail the grade and be stuck with the same teacher again. I have tried rewards, bribery, threats, talks, etc but she just won't show the effort.

I'm the only one that she has access to for help and I'm very good in math. I can also teach what I know. Problem is she never asks me any questions. Or if she does, she will wait until I am getting ready for bed, after talking to her friends all night long and goofing off. Then she wants to accuse me of always yelling when I she does ask for help, like it is my fault she waits until the last minute and I'm tired and grumpy from the day. I remind her about 30 times a day I'm going to bed at XXX if you need help now is the time. In one ear out the other. at 10 pm I've worked and been in classes all day, I'm beat and need to sleep.

The long and the short of it is she won't even attempt the work. I see her put forth no effort. When I do help her she gets the math no problem. I work, and I'm going to school full time for an engineering degree so I am always studying myself. The kids see me practicing what I preach. I simply don't have time to ride her everyday to do things exactly they way I want her to do them. 2 nights a week I have classes right when she gets home, and her mom can't do the math so I'm stuck.

My wife was the type of person who struggled and worked her ass off for B's I coasted by and got A's or B's in HS but am working my ass off going back to school and getting mostly A's. Wife and I both come from broken families. Mine is really fucked up, it would make a great lifetime network movie. The inlaws are basically nuts. Part of me is very much afraid of pushing my daughter too far and loosing her and having a broken family like my parents (we have sacrificed a great deal of time and money to be able to raise the kids on our own, no daycare etc). But I also don't want her to just slack off and fuck up her chances at success in life. She is capable of doing the work, but she doesn't think so, she thinks she is stupid. The reality is that she doesn't want to do the work needed to get a decent grade. I just don't know what to do. I don't know anyone I can talk to with girls that has a normal family dynamic.

I flunked out of highschool because I was depressed. I could not be made to care about my grades because it was all pointless. A shrink (and probably meds) and a private school or tutor would have helped me. She's probably given up because she's so lost. She needs to get back into a successful mindset by catching up and feeling good about math again. A tutor could do that. Have you considered sending her back to her old school? Is there another private school available?

im not a girl, but have two sisters and i'm still pretty young and remember what it was like for me and them. and my youngest sister is still in high school

she's real smart, but doesnt have much common sense. sometimes she's up till 1am working on homework. course mom and dad arent up that late most nights, so she's on her own. she has time after school to talk and hang out with friends, but by dinner she's usually started her homework, and continues at the dinner table afterwards. she does get in trouble talking to her friends on the phone sometimes, because then she has to stay up late and do her homework. mom will try and help her with math, but she's gotta get help when mom's got time to help.

in school i always did fairly well, when i put my mind to it. i tended to slack off and play nintendo with my brother or just watch tv. if i started to do bad in school mom would make me bring all my books home every day, which sucked cuz they're heavy enough to break your back and sometimes i'd have to walk the mile home. then we'd sit down well before dinner and go over what homework i had that night and i'd have to start right after that conversation. i guess that way she could help if i needed it. but i couldnt go do other stuff, tv wasn't allowed on during, no calls, etc. and it had to be at the dinner table. sometimes i'd still be doing it late into the night, but at least i had a head start since she made me start early.

i guess, aside from my rambling, what i'm trying to say is she has time to talk during the school day and after homework. homework should be first when she gets home (or as soon as you get home). if ya got no option but to sit there at the table and do your homework with minimal distraction, at least you're looking at it, even if you don't get much done.

that's how i was raised and that's how i'll raise mine one day.
hope that at least gets some gears turning for you. maybe you'll get something out of my experience?

One of my daughters is pretty much the same way. She is smart and creative and fun. She could have been an honor student with little effort.

In 2nd grade she cried if she got less than an "A" on anything. The rest of her school years were terrible. I remember standing over her and making sure she did every bit of homework...and then she wouldn't turn it in the dext day. She spent months being grounded from pretty much everything. It never really bothered her, though. It used to drive me crazy.

I don't really have any advice because nothing I did made any difference. She ended up doing what she had to do to make the grades to graduate. I've heard raising boys is easier.

You need to take the initiative. Don't wait for her to ask for help - when you get home, or at an appointed time, have her show you what they did that day. Quiz her to see if she understands it. If she doesn't, teach her the topic again. Have her show you her homework. If she says "I don't have any", challenge her.

As part of this, you need to meet with her teacher. Explain that you are going to be helping her after school, and you need to know what's coming up. Get a syllabus from her, and homework assignments if she has them. DO NOT get into personality conflicts between your daughter and her. You are there for the mechanics of teaching her, not the personalities. If the teacher isn't helpful with information or material, go immediately to the principal. Don't take no for an answer - get the material you need.

Your goal here is twofold: First, and probably most important, is to show your daughter that this is important to YOU - that SHE is important to you, and that you are willing to put in the time and effort to help her. You may wind up effectively doing the teacher's job - so be it. Second, it sounds like your daughter may have gotten off-track and isn't able to catch up, and so the new material doesn't make sense. If this is the case, you can figure out where in the curriculum she got stuck, and then start there and work her way back to where she is supposed to be.

I had these same problems with my daughter, both in math and chemistry. Both involved crappy teachers, and both involved some serious attention by me until she caught up and was convinced that she actually COULD do the work. I know this approach sounds like babysitting, and that by this age she should be better organized. But "should" and "could" mean jack shit when it's crunch time, and if she hasn't learned organization, it's your problem as her parent.

Show her you love her, that this is important to you, and that you will do what it takes to help her, and that you expect high performance from her. She'll respond - you're her Daddy, and that still matters at that age.

ETA: Look into other school resources. My school district has course curriculum, homework assignments, test dates, and grades on line - we can find out how my kids do on a test before they do. If they have it, use it.

Can you talk to the school administration and see if she can be put in a class with another teacher, or is this one the only one teaching it?

Only one teaching it. No other schools are an option right now.

I believe Florida allows dual enrollment, but you'd have to confirm. If they do, just homeschool the one class. It doesn't solve the bigger problem, but at least it would keep her afloat so you don't have two problems.

She is showing ZERO initiative on math. She could homeschool with FL's online class, but dual enrollment is for high schoolers taking college credits. I'd consider the online class but she literally shows zero initiative on math. Example, there was one assignment she did 3 times because I made her. She handed it in, didn't get credit for it, teacher forgot to record it. I told her every day for 2 weeks to talk to the teacher about it. She never did, I had to email the teacher. A simple task like showing the teacher she got 100% on the HW and the teacher forgot to record it. She shows i;t she has a social life that week, she doesn't and she won't. Didn't matter to her. She basically sat on her bed for 2 weeks.

I simply don't have the hours in the day to micro-manage her. I go to school full time (Clac 3, Statics, Physics 2 ect). My classes are very difficult, I work full time, and I have 2 other kids who aren't screwing up their lives who deserve some time as well, and need help with homework. If I have exams, I just don't physically have the time to teach her math class, correct her homework, drill her and follow up. If my grades slack off I loose my scholarships, which would mean I have to drop out of school.

It may be time to do one of two things:

1) Let her fail and learn the consequence of her actions.

or

2) Make her life more uncomfortable than it already is. Remove door, remove furniture, remove "fun things" like CD players, TV (if you haven't already), etc. - every kid has their breaking point. Find hers.

I think you have gotten some good responses so far, but a few things jumped out at me.



These bolded statements combined with your previous descriptions worry me. I am not a doctor, but a smart kid doesn't go from As to Fs for no good reason overnight. A young person doesn't sacrifice their social life rather than perform such a simple task if everything is fine. You may want to have her talk to a therapist. These are signs of depression. I understand that you are busy, but your daughter may be feeling abandoned or unloved. She may be dealing with peer pressures she hasn't told you about. She may simply have a hormonal imbalance. Who knows what the root of it is, but it needs to be addressed.

A good link on teen depression
Signs of depression in teens

• * Sadness or hopelessness
  * Irritability, anger, or hostility
  * Tearfulness or frequent crying
  * Withdrawal from friends and family
  * Loss of interest in activities
  * Changes in eating and sleeping habits
  * Restlessness and agitation
  * Feelings of worthlessness and guilt <<Calling herself stupid
  * Lack of enthusiasm and motivation
  * Fatigue or lack of energy
  * Difficulty concentrating
  * Thoughts of death or suicide
  

Get the list of assignments from the teacher.

Have your daughter sit at the kitchen table until they're done. If they're not done, she's sitting at the table.

When she wants her life back she'll stop spending it sitting at the table.

There's something going on here that is unrelated to homework. Busy or not, you need to take the time to find out what it is. I'm throwing in with the depression crowd.

I skipped a grade in private school and, then went to a public high school in honors classes. That can be a ROUGH transition for some people - likely moreso on a girl who's hitting puberty a year later than her peers. Math was also my cause of frustration in high school. The kitchen table idea for homework is an excellent one (while you figure out what's REALLY bothering her). The consequences of failure in high-school will reverberate throughout her life - I recommend you not let her fail (too hard) during high-school.

She is in 8th grade.

I'll look into the depression aspect. I do know the transition was difficult in school.

Correlation does not imply causation. Just because y'alls' families are nuts doesn't mean yours will be the same. Don't OVERcompensate to make up for your families' shortcomings.

I'm not understanding how she has time to talk to her friends before coming to you at bedtime? Didn't you take away phone and TV privileges? I know that wouldn't have worked for me if my mind wasn't into it but that's based on my personality.

Welcome to the Wild, Wacky Wonder Years of a teenage daughter. Isn't it funny how she picked math of all things to mess up on. Yes, I also have to throw my hat in with the depressed crowd. She is not a happy camper. Between loosing her safe zone of her old school and friends and the hormone rages of a young teen girl, she is depressed. I have 21 yr and 18yr old daughters. The first thing I want to tell you is to relax. She hears what you are saying and understands even though it doesn't seem so. She also knows she is messing up. I think she is reaching out to you dad to help her because you are her strong defender even from herself. I know how frustrating this must be for you. I am proud of you for being plugged into her and that is what is going to see her through this skid. She is at an age where she needs to start thinking about what kind of person she wants to be and what she is going to need to do to reach her goals in life. I went from private school to public in my teens as well and it was a great culture shock and I floundered for awhile. It was the knowledge that I had support from my good friends and thier parents (mine were not plugged in) that got me through.Also I got involved in the music program there where I made good friends. Friends are going to be key in her life for the next few years but having you watching over her and making sure you have the names and phone no. of her friends and their parents (no matter how upset she may get) gives her a sence of security. Dad, you are the bar in which she is going to judge her friends, especially guy friends, by. Set it high. She is very precious to you and let her know that. If she really starts to go down the wrong path (and you won't know this until she has been doing things for a while) get her into councilling. Allot of times they need someone else outside the situation to show them they are loved by you. So, relax, stay consistant, stay plugged in, and help her understand it is time for her to start making her own decisions on how she wants her life to go.

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