so this dude

is a drunk; everyday after work he hits the bar and stays till closing; his wife is used to this as he's always been a drunk.

well this one night after closing he is staggering home and gets hit by a bus while crossing the street killing him instantly.

he finds himself standing at the pearly gates speaking with st. peter.

st. peter says "well bob, you've finaly made it, but there's a mistake, you died way to soon."

so bob says "ok, st pete, send me back then"

st peter replies "I'd like to bob, but therein lays another problem, your wife had your body creamated so we can't send you back to it"

bob says "so what are we to do, are you going to let me into heaven or do I have to wait at the gates until my time comes?"

st peter says "well bob, what I can do is send you back into another body, but it can't be a human body, right now I have a dog or chicken body I send you back into"

bob thinks then says "well st pete, my kids got bit by a dog once and now they are afraid of them, but there is that little chicken ranch just down the street from the house they pass everyday after school, and sometimes they feed the chickens, so if you send me back as a chicken I'd at least get to see them pretty often and sometimes maybe they'll feed me a little grain"

so theres a giant flash of light and old bob wakes up surounded by chickens.

he asks one of the hens "where am I"

the hen replies "your a chicken in the chicken pen"

so bob falls into his life as a chicken and he's happy because he sees his kids fairly often on their way to/from school and sometimes they throw grain to him.

then one day bob is doubled over with pain, his guts feel like they're being ripped from him and he clucks in pain to the other hen's and asks "what is wrong with me, I'm hurting bad?"

the one hen says "bob it's ok, you just need to lay an egg"

bob asks "how do I do that?"

the hen replies "just push down real hard and the egg will pop out"

so bob does this and an egg does pop out.

bob is so relieved that he exclaims "that egg laying is great, my belly feels so good now"

then the stomach pain hits again and bob again pushes down and another eggs pops out; he does then a couple of more times clucking even louder than before because his stomach is feeling so much better everytime............

then BAM!, something hits him in the back of the head really hard and he sees a bright light flash in his eyes again like when the bus hit him and he thinks he hears his wife screaming "BOB! you drunkfuckingbastard wake up you're shitting the bed again!"

Is this a made up story or personal experience?

while I have shit the bed a time or three in my life; I've never shit the bed because I was drunk.

Are you sure ,?

positive, never pissed my bed or pants while drunk either

Dupe



Dan posted a similar one about a month ago

You fail

????????

This aint GD

Either way, I heard it before and I'm pretty sure it wasn't just in my head like all the voices

if you're going to call "dupe" provide up a link to prove it's a dupe

hell when Dan started reading this he thought it was about him

that's because I might have posted it before

Well crap.
I ain't got the will to look the other one up neither

This version is funnier than the previous, a little more intricate...

Nden are you trying to tell us you never "sharted" when you were ripping one off while you were drunk?

You don't have to be drunk to be wary of a fart.

Never trust a fart.

There I sat all broken hearted...
Tried to shit but only farted
Later on I took a chance
To try to fart but shit my pants

That's some funny shit.

well hell man you don't expect me to tell a joke the exact same twice do you?

nope, I've shit my pants doing a lot of things, but I've never shit them while I been drinking/drunk.

that's part of the sambo shabotski song I used to sing to shame him out of shitting his pants and pissing the bed; his name in his former life was pissbedshitpants;


part of the song goes like this:

sambo shabotski sitting in a tree, s-h-i-t-i-n-g, there he sat all brokenhearted tried to shit but only farted; then there he was buns a flexin, he was giving birth to another texan.

he hates this song quite a bit, but hell he was 5yo and still shitting/pissing himself like a baby.

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